My father Jag satt hemma hos dig, min fader, för alla dessa år sedan. Det var, nästan första gången vi sågs, sedan du lämnade oss och mig, för den där Ulla, den där skatan, som min mor sade. Ulla var där, det var bara vi tre, det var som vanligt sade du. Efteråt så körde du mig hem, du hade en gammal Volvo. Det gick väl bra. Jag kom hem, jag vet inte, det var väl inget mer. Vad kan jag säga? Nu är du död, som de säger, och som de sade. Jag saknar dig ändå, men kunde jag lita på dig? Du pratade många år senare, om grannen under mig, denne som sade du, ringde till honom, och sade saker om mig. Då hade du skiljt dig från Ulla, eller hon hade dragit, för någon annan, som alla sade. Vad du menade, inte vet jag det. Det du sade, var att grannen under mig, vaknade av min klocka alla morgnar. Det upprepade du, i all evighet, varför du sade så, inte vet jag. Jag såg aldrig denne, granne under mig. Jag såg inte grannen under dem mittemot heller. Vad de var för några, och vad de gjorde, det vet inte jag, det var som att den delen av trappen inte fanns. Jag saknade en fader, när jag växte upp, och en stor, varm, kärleksfull frisk moder, som jag kände, orkade med mig. Jag saknade en syster, en bror, eller båda. Jag saknade, allt det där, som de flesta andra barn hade. Nu alla dessa år efteråt, jag undrar, var det du, som spöade mig, där i skolan? Även om det inte var du, personligen, så var det nog så, det var din frånvaro, som slog de hårda slagen, i magen på mig. Det var din frånvaro, som jag blev spöad av. Det var nog så. Efter något år, innan eller efter, minns inte. Men jag minns, min nästan första kärlek. Hon var vacker som en vårmorgon. Hennes hand var liten, och jag minns inte, om jag tog den, eller inte. Vi gick hela vägen, till hennes port. Jag hade, som jag mindes, eller hur det än var, hur var det? Jag bodde hos en annan familj, än min vanliga, för tillfället sade de. Var det helt enkelt så, att min moder, höll på att förla mig? Det kanske ändå, var så det var. Hur det var exakt, jag minns inte. Jag mindes, att hon sade, att hon skulle in på en skrapning, som hon kallade det. Vad det var, vet inte. Men jag minns att jag blev ledsen. Jag kanske till och med, frågade henne, om hon skulle dö. Jag mindes, att hon tog med mig, till en familj, som hon sade skulle ha hand om mig, tills hon kom tillbaka. Ändå var det ju du. Även om jag minns, jag minns, de hårda slagen på min kropp. Även om som jag minns det, det var en ung man från skolan. Jag har aldrig orkat rota i allt det där. Var det så, att vad han nu heter, eller andra, som rånade mig, på mina veckopengar? Vad skall jag säga? Jag minns inte. Man måste orka minnas. Man måste orka minnas. Man måste orka minnas. Idag har jag varit, på gastroskopi. Jag åkte 66'an dit, och hittade nästan direkt. Jag skulle vara på Ersta vid en 10:30, det gick bra. Jag gick över Slussen hem från Ersta. Det var nog kanske, fruktan i mitt liv, som snurrade runt i magmunnen, så att jag inte kunde svälja riktigt. Jag hade märkt detta, och jag tänkte, att det var nog bäst att kolla, vad det var. Varför orkar jag inte, tampas med vargarna? Man kanske inte behöver tampas med dem. Man kanske bara behöver, se dem, tro sig veta vad de vill, och sedan strunta i dem. Vid Slusstorget, som jag passerade, var det som vanligt. Lite mer tomt än annars, annars var det som vanligt. Jag fortsatte, till Aktivitetshuset. Där åt jag lunch. Det var väl, som vanligt. På pappret jag fick från gastroskopin, sade de, att allt var ok. Jag hoppas det stämmer.

2007-10-26 Somewhere there is a flower, a rose of heaven, is that you my love? Whereto are you bound, that is your goal, where does our journey end? Somewhere a rose of heaven, opens its beacon to life, somewhere a bee, is drinking the juice, of an opened blossom, quite a usual morning in heaven. Whereto are we bound, where will it all end, my friend, my friend, will it ever end? What is heaven, what is love? I do not have love my friend. I always, every night, go to bed, alone. I wake up, every morning, without a friend, at my side. It has been like that, for many a year now. What is heaven, what is love? Do you have love my friend? I am sorry to say, I do not have love. I am sad to say, no one love me, at least not, to the extent, that she, wants to wake up, beside me. That is a fact, even if someone might find it, strange, or what? But somewhere, there is a flower, the rose of heaven. Who is that my love? Whereto are we bound, what is thy goal, o you holy spirit? What is our goal, we the people of earth, whereto are we bound? Is the end, eternal life? Is the end, eternal, to dwell in heaven, for longer a time, than anyone can imagine? What is our goal, o you blessed father, and eternal spirit, what is thy goal? I would like, thy goal, to be eternal, and I think, many others together with me. But I also, want children, in my life, here on earth. I want children, and I am happy to say, that I have. Blessed are we, thy children on our earth, blessed I hope, is my child, whom I love. I love my children. We love our earth. It is a sacred and a holy place, for all that is living here. Yes, I love you my child. We all love our earth. Here we humans are dwelling, yes, we love our earth, for as long time, that is ours. Heaven has given it to us, as a loan. Heaven has given it to us, for us, to have it as our own, for a second, of a millennium, in the history, of our surroundings. What is it, o you beloved father, what is life, what is love, where are we humans bound? Where are we bound? Will it all ever end? Somewhere there is a flower, a rose of heaven, is that you my love? Where are we all bound, what is your goal, for us, we creeps of earth? Where does our journey end? Will it ever end? I ask you, is our place in heaven, meant to be here, forever? Everything is sacred, even sinners are holy, is that not your aim, o you o almighty spirit? What is thy goal, o you holy father? The rose of heaven, is that you my love? To where are we bound, what is your goal? Where does our journey end? Yes, we creeps of earth, we have our place, here where we are dwelling. We are, the creeps of earth. We are creeps, at the side, of you, o you almighty father. We are, the creeps of earth. Will it ever end? I ask you, as sincere as I can, will it ever end? Also, the creep me, want to know, why does I, not get love? Do I not deserve, to wake up, with someone I love, at my side? Does I not deserve, to make breakfast, a morning, for someone I love? Why not? Why not? Why do you not give, me love? Why do you not give me love? Why do you not, give me, a creep of earth, love? The answer, I do not know. The end of all, no one knows, besides of you. Is the earth, to be here, for longer a time, than we can imagine? Somewhere there is a flower, a rose of heaven. Where is it my love? Now I sit here, looking at a gleaming screen, making small words of magic. Where is the flower, the rose of my love? Where is the goal for my quest, where is the goal, for my quest? Is that you my love? END

More new text 2008-04-24 Started 2007-11-07 The Social Evolution 1 I do not know, where I am going. I do not know, from where I am. I do not know, who you are. I am sorry to say, most people may say, I am a looser. I am someone, as well as you others. I had a father, but he didn't care much. I had a work in an industry, but that was many years back from now. He was someone, he later told me. Someone that was bad news I thought. As I met him again, for the first time, when I was in my twenties, I met him and his new wife of his, many years now back in time from now, I got a crisis as I met him, a thing that some shrink, had told me to do. It was for the first time I met him again, many years after my birth. I was then in my twenties, and I was undergoing group therapy. My mother and me, we wasn't worth it, did he think that? What should I think? I was brought up alone with her for many years. As I remember it, I was living with her, and a new man of hers. She had been very depressed for many years, and all of our life, she was talking around my fathers and hers separation. I didn't have many friends. I was one of those small, lonely boys on the outside, the wolves of society, said you are not worth it. I was a small, sensitive boy, that sat in the laps of all the grown ups, as I remember it. Maybe most thought, he is an idiot, I do not know. Most probably didn't think, the two of you are normal, that probably was how it was. They had friends, but I wasn't their friend. Wasn't I worth it I wondered? I do not know what to do now, I still am on the outside of most of the networks that ordinary people have, and I have a hard time, getting the help I need to get by. They say my father is dead now, what I shall do, I do not know. He died of cancer, 56 years old, some 10 years after him and his new wife had separated. Was I that bad news for my father, did he think that? He had to pay for me, all those years he said, as I met him then, I was in my twenties, and I begun to understand, that it would be hard, for me to get by. What should I say? He didn't have to pay more for me, then at least, as I had become older than 18 at the time. He had fucked my mother, and he produced me, that was the way it was. He hadn't taken much of the responsibility for me during my upbringing. He didn't want my mother, that's how it was. I was left, with the depressed, small woman just below her 40's that sometimes said she was my mother. Other times she said, I am not your mother. I wanted a girl she said, and that did hurt me of cause. I was a tiny, small boy, scared boy child, and I sat in all the laps I could find, as a small boy. I needed love, but I did not get that, in a really, creative working way. Why are we so lonely I wondered? My mother and me, we were so isolated, and we did not meet many others, than the two of us, and for me, the people at the kindergarten daily. What shall I do now, I think for now. How am I to cope with the terror from my upbringing? My mother said, that she loved me, in a way that was like a cancer on my soul. How did it then, become like that? I did love her, but she lied about how it was for her, and she showed despise for me. What more can I do, I do not know. Most people may say, we all are worth it. People might think, some are not worth it. Decency says all are worth it. I say I am worth it, but that is not, as how it became. From the laws of evolution, and social happenings, that ruled out as how my life became, put sticks into the wheel, for me as a child, and later as a grown up. I remember you my mother, you did not reached up to my psychological needs. You didn't make, to create the networks, that all needs to get by. I can communicate, talk and hear, but not always, as up to the limit of total understanding, of what I am, and what the world is around me. I needed a father, but you my mother, you were too ugly, too violent, and too depressed, to get a man that was normal. You always said to me, I loved your father so much, he was my entire world, I never have loved anyone like him. You did not reach up to the limit, up to what I had to receive from you, as to make me a healthy, strong and normal young kid, both physically and mentally. But I did love you, and I truly thought you were wonderful. I remembered my father, and I thought, why did he leave us, and make you and me you so sorry and us so alone as we where? How could he do that? But that was what he did. The laws of evolution, that made the horny, happy, positive and beautiful woman, that loved her children and her man, to be promoted by evolution, that made him skip her, and me. I do not know now, who I am. Sorrow, pain, distress, it tastes bad in my mouth. I did shower this morning. Who are you, you the wolves of my surroundings? I am in some ways, worth it, but your howls are ringing loud in my ears. Others aren't always, but would you like to be one of them, to be not worth it, from the laws of evolution? Would you want to be, not worthy? Would you like, to be skipped by evolution, as the one that is to raise you, makes your life horrible, as of the fact, that she doesn't have the energy, and strength, and the courage to reach you up to the needs of you her child? Will you become a small, needing terrorist that will make your mothers life a disaster, with all the needs you have, that she can't reach up to? I can say, that I was, a small needing disaster for my mother, in many ways. She was my mother, and she of cause loved me, and I loved her back, but the laws of as how us humans work together socially and otherwise, made him skip her, as I see it today. She was not worthy as a human, to make to have a man in her life that she loved, and that loved her back, someone that was there to support us, her and me, that was what evolution made a reality for us. I remember a nightmare from my upbringing. I thought that I saw her in our kitchen, lying on two chairs, with her legs, stretching out of the gas oven we had in our stove, and her head lay inside in the oven on some pillow. What got a terrible shock, what could I do I thought. Didn't I love you, why didn't you understand? Why did that happened, such a terrible thing? Didn't I love you? Why were you so depressed, when I loved you, as much as I did? Didn't you love me back, why were things as they were? I see people daily, worse of than me. People, losers, I can become one of them anytime, but still I am not, in many ways. Still I am belonging at least a little bit, and my life is what it is. Some of them, the others, they had both a father and a mother, together in love, and maybe also sisters and brothers, that is supporting them, during their upbringing. They make it better than the ones without two parents. If they have sisters and brothers also, as they grow up, then have a better network. The most terrible thing, is that I do not hear all people is saying to me. It is as if I am inside a bubble. The strong ones, with a better working network, they are worth it, they deserve it as it seems. All that counts isn't from our genes, some are other things too, things that causes problems as social circumstances. You Robert, you are not worth it, a priest said. You are not worth it, a therapist said. They say someone is a loser. Most people, the ones that are losers, they don't make it, but in the beginning, of their journey towards their dome, most of them, they still have, half a teaspoon of hope. As their doom is getting nearer, they begin to understand, how weak they are. As I understand it, most of them up to the age of 7-9 years old, the ones that are the outcasts and the lonely ones, in many cases, they still have some friends, still they belong a little bit. They may say I am a looser, in many ways now as a grown up, and in other ways too. As the rules of cooperation, that has formed our world, is putting sticks into the wheels of some of the more sensitive humans lives, what do you think? I did not have the networks, that I needed, to grow up, and to become a grown up, with the same possibilities as the others of you. It has to feel bad, there has to be pain, as humans are to avoid the social situation I had and also have for now, that is what they say. What are you, and who are you, you Father God? Why are you giving the lonely, small and weak humans, so many more problems, and so much more sorrow in their lives, than the average man, why is it like that? Evolution love horny, strong, beautiful, happy people, that is positive and glad. What has that got to do with me, you might think. I am a normal human at least in some ways, sometimes I get angry. I am not always happy and glad. That is a tool for evolution, to give your children boundaries around their social situation, as for how to avoid people to end up with a small needing disaster like me in their lives, stating I was worth it as a child, and I still am worth it as a grown up, trying to have a life, just as yours. When the wolves of society is howling, what shall I do? What more can I do, to get what I need? When I die, flowers will blossom, the grass will be greener again, as a pollution, of creation is gone, is that so? Why someone is a creep, I do not know. I know that I was an outcast as a child. I remember the people that harassed me, and I remember the terror they gave me, and I remember me outside of the belongings and networks that most others had. What do I think as of today? I remember you Göran, I remember you Lillian, and that I loved you, and that I hoped for my life, to become a good one. Who are you, what made the kids around me terrorise me? You surely aren't creeps, most of you. Most of you are just normal people, thinking about the good for yourself, and for your family. Most of you are worth it. But me myself and I, I did not get, what I needed as a kid. I never was one of you. That was how it was. I love you, my mother said to me, you are the best ever to have happened to me she said. But I was anyway most of the time feeling like a small and needing disaster, in the eyes of you. But you said that you loved me, in a way that almost choked me. The stress from me, what that what you didn't make? Why did it become like that? You sometimes said I wanted a girl, not a boy. But I got what I got, and I love you anyway you said. You sometimes also said, you are not my child. If I not am your child, why did you not try to explain to me, what had happened, and how it was? I had too many needs, I was too demanding, and you did not make it, is that how it was? I never, ever, have said, and really meant it, that I didn't love you and Martin, your man, and that we wasn't worth it. Now I say, I am worth it. I know I am worth it, but I do not know, if that is enough. I have a man here at the place responsible for my treatment, here at Södermalm, for the good of it all, and for society. I still sometimes hopes that I am to make it. He says, as I talk to him, I ask him, do you think I have to make changes to my site, for the good of me, and my feature? Do you think, for the good of my feature, that I should make changes, to my work in the site I have? I do not make anything illegal I say. What shall I do I ask you? I do not get any other incoming mails, than spam? That is up to yourself he says. I do not know, what you should do, he says. I do not think, that is the problem he says. It tastes bad in my mouth, he says what he says, and he is so much a look alike of my old friend. As we grew up, the two of us, we were inseparable. For so many times as a child, and later again, as I was a young man, I thought, I am very lucky to have a friend just like him. How did it all end then? What happened was, that he when we were just in our twenties, he hit me in my head with some wrench or whatever it was, some day after that he and a friend of ours, sort of raped me. Later he said, that it was necessary, it had to be done. Might ever such a thing, be seen as necessary? But as sure as the sky is blue, as sure as the grass is green, as sure as I am a human, I loved you my mother, as much as a small boy child, could love his mother. You my friend, you and others, in some ways, you seem to be worth it, somewhat more than me. What more can I do today? You should my mother, you should make me someone special, you should make me, someone real, you my mother, should make me into a winner. Then how will, it all end? But still, I remember, the cane from my childhood. I remember, that I somehow fell down from our bed. Somehow I was thrown out of the bed, where I lay, and I hit the floor. You are sleeping restlessly my mother just said to me. That was nothing she could do anything about. Somehow I was thrown out of my bed, and she almost laughed about it all, as the whole thing just was excused away, as a small, innocent joke. You did not get that, as you were worth it, as you had both a father and a mother, maybe also sisters and brothers. I remember, an idiotic memory of mine, me and you standing there, in a room in the place where we lived. You were testing a dress, for a girl child of a friend of ours. I do not know how to look on these memories. Is this made to be memories of mine, or did that really happened? Is this what really happened? I felt harassed by you, as I didn't understand why you were doing that to me. You were sticking needles into my body, as if I was a doll for testing clothes on. Most of the others, they were happy in their daily lives. I was anyway also happy many times, other times I was not. They all had all they needed. When they met the wolves of their surroundings, then they made it. Most other children, they had both a father and a mother in their daily lives. They all have something in common, as they love each other, they are families that are evolving happily, and that make society and humanity to work. What more can we say? Love is giving birth, and evil is killing, we all know that. Love can live without evil, but evil cannot live without love, as evil is living out of love. Do you remember the men they said used you, as for you then to be thrown out of societies networks, as for a fate like yours has to be hard and painful, for people to avoid that? What more can we do they say, we have done all that we can. What more shall a small doomed human say, as a fate like ours is both hard and painful? Those idiots they say, they are not our children. Do you remember, your friends, or the ones who said you were their friend? Do you remember, the one's that flourished, the one's that creation hailed? Do you remember, the one's that everyone liked? They were men everyone said. Most of them, they were loved by their families, and by each other. They were loved by creation, and by society. They were hailed by other humans and also by evolution, as their social situation was promoted by humanity, as the best way, both for their children, and for everything else, to evolve and prosper. The others, on the outside, they were creeps, they were the enemies in creation, evolution and society was promoting their working families, and things evolved happily. Even god they say, did they say, that he was a creep, as he didn't know his father? Or were love the creator of him, and of everything else, that makes it evolve? Love is giving birth, and it is nursing, but evil is almost always killing and destroying, is that how it is? Where does then, your own social situation fit in? Have you been brought up, in love and happiness together with two parents? Or are you raised into another social situation, that isn't promoted by creation? Was love and happiness something that you not were worth? Love and cooperation, is that what makes it tick? Is cooperation in love together with other humans, the fact that is making earth function as a place of living, and to make humanity, and other creatures to evolve and flourish? As people harass me as of today, I do not know what to do. People that not have that many friends left, for things to function, what can they do then? People do not know, what to do. How can he or she become a friend for someone? How can I know, what to do, and how can I be seen as someone to count with? Is it the fact, that cooperation and love, is what makes it work? Is evil only a killing and destroying factor of evolution? I say that love is giving life, and evil kills. My mother used to say, that we humans, we bear both evil and good inside of us, and that is what makes it evolve. Everyone has both evil and good inside of them, and it makes it function. To make all a little bit clearer as from my own point of view I say, that evil cannot win. As evil is killing, goodness is what makes creation survive. Evil lives out of good and then it can survive. But good is creating and it is nourishing. Evil cannot win, as it ceases to exist, as goodness is gone. Then all is vanishing, and the entire creation is gone. But good can win, as it is a nourishing and creating factor. From the old viewpoints, good is a nourishing and creating force from God Almighty. That is what it is. Good is giving birth, and evil is torturing and killing. If evil wins in the way as it is for now, as I understand it, all will die. If good wins, it will give birth, and everything will become love. Do you understand what I mean? How shall we then handle evil? Well, the Americans and many others, they say that democracy is the only good way. They tend to forget, that democracy as a system, the only good and working thing, is born from the French and American revolutions, and they were not totally without bloodshed. They had guillotines in France. They chopped of the heads of hundreds of people from the nobility, and they died, in terror and pain of cause. That was not love, but that was the way it was. Well what shall we then do now? I am sorry to say, that I do not know, at least not for now. I have pain and fear in my life, all day long. Only as I sleep, I feel a little bit better. What a peaceful revolutions fate would be as I see it, is probably that it would end in bloodshed, killing and looting. The wolves of society would kill and destroy the forces of good. But the second Russian revolution did not end that way. What is then the difference, between the different circumstances? What will then our future be, as seen from the times we have now? Then what is for me to do, as it is for me today? What shall I do? People do not chose, where their bed, of upbringing is placed. They do not chose, what bed they are born in. Why then are they born the winners, of the lottery of heaven and hell, if they are born into working families? What more can I do? I do not like the situation. What more can I do? Well, that is how it is. Others doesn't choose their parents either, most of them are born into the situation in which they ends up. As all of us then, are fighting to make it function for us as for what we are, and earth and society evolves. But if evil wins, everything will die, do you understand what I mean? If good continues to exist, all will continue to function. All will not die. But anyway, as the way it is, all can continue to live, if goodness win, if evil win, all will die, as evil is living out of good. We will continue to function anyway, most of us, at some level. Many others, as myself, we might perish anyway, almost whatever we do. Almost whatever we do, we are out on deep water. Almost whatever they do, they somehow will make it. What is then wrong? I remember a man from the team that is treating me. Whatever I say, about that something might be wrong with my site, he says, it is just to hard for you to fix, you will not make it to work. Not even a try, to help me, in some real way, with the selling of my artwork and otherwise. Why is that so? I do not know, but that is the way it is. He doesn't say, that my incoming mail, in some way might be wrong. He doesn't try to say, or to make me to understand, what is wrong. I do want some advise, as it not seems to work. I see no point as to why I not shall be able to live from the artwork at my site. I ask you our Lord, why does some of your children, not make it? What do they do wrong? I didn't choose, to be a "keychild" as they put it in these days. As I was a child, with a key, around my neck, during my upbringing, in the suburb of my childhood, they said it was terrible and that it was bad. My mother was rolling and enjoying herself in, in the harshness of our situation as of us being on the outside, and not to be seen as much worth as most others. She was what she was, and I didn't choose, or did I anyway in some way? It wasn't democracy. It was the dictatorship, of our genes, and of the social situation in the suburb of my upbringing. Together with the small, lonely woman that was my mother, as for how it was, I had to try to make it. I love you she said, you are my sunshine she said, you are worth it she said. I loved your father so much she said, he was the most wonderful person I ever had met. I was so sad and lonely, and he left me, for that monster Ulla. Do I think she told me the truth? I do not know, she probably did, but something was wrong, what more could I do? Do I hate, the men and women around relatives of mine? Do I hate, the one's that had a better start off than me? I do not like it, but I want to have a good life anyway, even if I did not have had a good place of upbringing, as you others had. People as me, many of us, we don't make it. Many of us perish. That is the dictatorship, of our genes, and of our upbringing. That is, the hard truth of our world. We do not make it, as we do not have, both a mother and a father, and maybe also sisters and brothers, together with us, around us in love as we grow up. What is important for all of us, is that we are to be nourished in love, and for us to be brought up, we their children, to become sturdy and strong adults, that make their life as grown ups. Is that the truth? Is that the truth? Why don't we make it, we the lonely children of the mothers on the outside? Why do some of us, to think, that we will make it? I think it partly is from the fact, that we did not have a mother that was able to reach up to our needs. She was very depressed, and she had lost as she said, the love of her life. She did not have the resources, for her to function, as she not was as positive and as glad a woman, for a man to want her. She anyway met a man after some lonely years. She met Martin, and they become a couple, that was how it all ended. But in the beginning, she was not reaching up, to what I needed. What more can I do for her? I had to try to make her glad again, as she was sad. I had to try to make her happy again I thought. I do not want to mess around in the garbage of my upbringing any more, but what more can I do? I do not get any more therapy, I have to try to do something myself. What more can I do? She was in some ways enjoying our misery, and our situation somewhat on the outside, and she was partly as I say, somewhat messing around in the misery of our situation, as we were on the outside, and as we didn't belong as most others. I do not know why it was like that. I only can see, what happens around me. I can hear my said to be contact person telling me over and over again, it is nothing wrong with your site, or the number of mails you get, it is just too hard, for you to fix. What do you think, I shall say? How shall I react, to a thing like that? I am supposed to put my trust into the man, and I cannot get the help for how to make it work, in other ways as I see it. Can anyone do that? Yes they can make it, if they get help, and they can have a life with a value, if they cooperate and they really try. They all say that they are resourceful persons, the persons in the staff treating me. They are good they say. But for me, I do not even know for certain, if it is one of them, that I am talking to, sometimes as I call up. I think that some idiot is trying to impersonate one of them, as I talk to them. The fact that I don't get even 1 email a month, that is not spam, that is totally normal he says to me, it is just too difficult for you he says, for you to make it to work. Hail to you, hail to you all, who shall make me into something, hail to you, you the lucky lot that are treating us, we their patients, we cannot get anything better. All of you, I sometimes think, you just love to humiliate us, and it is seen as totally normal. That might be, why you have the works that you have. Something more about life for us humans and others, as from the times of today, here where we are living? Everywhere around us, in our world, there are young mothers, with the hope of their lives, their children in trams, in front of them. The guy that made them go boom, is since long time vanished, then they all are all alone with their small needing babies. Where are we going? Why does it not work? Many do not make it, if they have to be alone. That is just a fact, as hard as anyone. Some of them do make it, but as of why I do not understand. They in many cases, have too much to take care of. They have a work to take care of, and maybe also sometimes some friends. They have their babies to take care of, cooking meals and tidying their places also. Some do make it, but many don't. At least they maybe do not make it, to as good a life as others, for their children. They do not have, a mother, enjoying the misery of her and her child's situation, sometimes making small prophesies of disaster for her child, and as of how it all will end for her and her child. Where is our world bound? Is it so that the ones without both a mother and a father, and maybe sisters and brothers also around them, as they grow up, are to be left on the outside, of the good and nourishing relationships, and the love that in the best cases, is to be there for them and their offspring, to support them, when they kneed support, or if something bad happens. If they then do not have the persons around them, that is there to help them, if it become bad they do not make it, is it as bad as that? Where is our world bound? Everyone needs both a mother and a father in their life, as they grow up. They are building up, the world of their children. If they always say, this will maybe happened, what more can I do she says? What more can I do I say then. As the most important of it all, when they are in a twosome around a child, they communicate around their child, about their love for each other, and about the entire world. They build up their child's world, all that it knows of as an infant, and later as a grown up. They are putting up, and they are explaining the world for their child. They talk to each other around the child, they communicate to their children, and to each other, they are in love with each other, and they love their child. They love each other and their child. If the situation is a good one, and that means, that all is present, all that is important for both them and their child, to handle their world. They are to grown up and they are to make their situations then and as adults. They like their situation in society, in which they are, and everyone, that is the whole family, both the mother and the others of the family are loved by a man that they love back. They have works to go to when their children grow up. When they meet problems in their life, they make it, and they are making something good out of it. To make all of that, they nearly always need a man, and other persons around them. Life is not always a dance on roses, but man is an animal that is cooperating around each other in society, that is just how it is. They are positive, and they love their child and their situation. They deserve it, in some strange way, but I obviously do not. We all deserve it. nes that gets to have a twosome around their child, and also other relatives, or others there to help them, if they get into trouble, then they get a better working life. The children of these persons, gets a better start in their life. More of them get more friends, and later in life a working relationship together with a mate. I am maybe more of a looser because as of our so blessed creations rules in society for us humans. I am somewhat more of a looser, both from the fact, that I was alone with my mother, as when being an infant, and that I also didn't have sisters or brothers, around me, and other relatives there also, to help me and her, if we got into trouble, during my upbringing. As society and others is stating, we have the right of word from god, to do what we do. As Father God is saying, they are condemned, and society is promoting twosomes, what can we do more? That is, I will maybe not make it, as my genes is wrong, or is it other things also that is wrong, that is to inflict into my future? Or is maybe god almighty, a hailer of what might be called, the social evolution? Is it "facts", things that is developing from religious ideas, or vice versa, that is putting a final dome into the lives of the children brought up alone, and in the harassing care of only one, and also one sometimes almost totally stone mad parent? The society does nothing, why are they not giving a man like me, a chance? It is as of a reason, the fact that most people are together in a twosome around their child or children, as they grow up, is that what makes it better? /To be continued,,.

The social evolution 2. It is as of a reason, the fact that most people are together in a twosome around their child or children, as they grow up, is that what makes it better? Our father god, or coincidence, has that made the rules? Is he the sole dictator of creation, the sole creator, and that all anyway is, built out of some kind of love? Or is it as of a fact, as of how we work as humans or otherwise, that made the so called fall of sins for us humans, that it is looked upon as a problem, as of a real fact, is it there for a reason? The fact is, that nearly no one does anything, if it seems to be any bigger problem. We are left, as of what we are, for the wolves of society, to make us victims of the ways things are. As things are as they are, they are in some ways humiliating us. When we fall, and we are leaving the networks, then they tend to say, all is your own responsibility. In many ways, that is how it is. In other ways, it is not as for how it is. We need both help, and to try to make what we can ourselves, to make it work. We have to understand, that our value as a citizen, and as human beings, is more important, than manners and customs. But the ones that doesn't have a father and a mother together with them, and other relatives as an extended family, love and real resources as humans, they then are born losers, in spite of that our Father God made the rules out of love, and that the rules around us humans was there, as out of some real love? Everyone, with the right genes, and persons around them in love and cooperation, that are there to help them, as their children grow up, are they then the winners of creation? Or is it manners and customs, together with all, that make rules, for us humans, to work together with some sort of suicidal precipice? That is the harsh truth, it is the way it is, but for people as me, it doesn't work. I did not choose, how I was to grow up. The things were as they were, it didn't work, at least not for me, but things for now are the way they are. Our Father God, he saluted and hailed the Christian Social Evolution, as he made the rules. He and the devil, did they hail manners and customs, together with the deadly suicidal precipice, that made it very hard, for people like us, to have a life that really is good? What he did, is that he made the best of the situation that we where in, and the situation ended up, as for how it was to become, and how it is for now, the old ways, are not the only way. What do you think, about if your old relatives, or other people, and the old suicidal precipice to rule our world, and make heads fall, and life to end in misery, for the weak and the old. Is that really, how it would end, if we were as human as we say we are? Is it then really necessary for people as us, are we as hopelessly on the outside as we are? Is it really necessary? I do not know. But what I know, that is that both society and humanity despises us, in spite of that most of us are doing all that we can. As we are different, and as we didn't get as good a start as others, we are left on the outside, as we do not make it. People are stating, they do not want help. What more can we do? Did he care for us, as for how my end was to become, or didn't he? We on the outside, together with the too early born, we are in a very hard situation. We really do not understand, that some persons, is not understanding, that we not only have depression, and agony to fight against. We also have faulty ways in handling our reality. We do not know, what is real. We do not know, from time to time, where we are, and sometimes also, who we are. In desperation as of how they said the devil was to make it to become, that he then told some zombie to write down, some lines of excuse, in his handbook of life the Bible, as of why most of us, people like me, we are bound to be doomed? Did he know what he did? He started the Christian Social Evolution. He started the line of development for man, to be tied together to each other, around a working family. A man and a woman, together in a family, in love around their offspring you their child, that is what makes it tick. If they instead grew up alone with a small, afraid, desperate, lonely, maybe also somewhat retarded parent, how will it end up then? Many therapists, and other mighty men, they all know, that the ones of us, people without strong and sturdy parents, around us, as we grow up, we doesn't get the same chance. We also need other relatives of cause, as we grow up, if that isn't the case, then we all are doomed in many ways. We don't get the strength and social resources, to build up the networks around us, that is there, necessary rules to be present for most of us, to regulate the life on our planet. We don't know how to do that, and there is almost never anything, to do about the fate, for a single human, born in the wrong circumstances. Our Father God Almighty, he doesn't give a creep another chance. He is saying, if you do not have the upbringing as others, there is almost nothing to do anything about. You are left outside of the social networks and you do not get, the same chances as others, as you grow up. As you are hitting us, with the stupidity of the in many ways, idiotic rules of creation for the weakest of us, what more can we do? I don't like to be hit in the head with your despise for us and people like us, but you hit us, and we can do nothing, and it does hurt. What would you like, to be brought up, with a lonely depressed mother, almost without no social networks at all, and with nearly no relatives to help the two of you out, as the doom as from suicidal precipice and manners and customs is making your reality to go boom? The guy that made your mother go boom, where is he then? The answer is, that he vanished into thin air. He is nowhere to be seen, and you and your mother, you are all alone, in a very hard situation. But all of us, don't get the same destiny. Some of us are stronger than others. Some of us have a better beginning. What more can we do? I have a strong conviction that almost all of us, we are making all that we can, but we anyway have to try to lift ourselves in our hair, to make us reaching new altitudes of existing and functioning. We have to make it work, for the ones with that background, we can do no more than we can. We have to try to make the impossible, as it not is impossible, it is possible. We can do almost nothing about the ways that things are. We almost can do nothing, to change the rules of our society, as out of suicidal precipice, and manners and customs, to make people as us, to be on the outside, to be shut out from the ways things are, if they are as of the best. Our society is regulating, what is to be the best, and what is to be the worst. All of us know, that the situation for the lonely child, sometimes also with a lonely, depressed mother that anyway, is making her very best. That is anyway not enough. Even the best she can do, is not always enough. Is that a fate for us humans, a fate for anyone to be seen as a necessary fate for anyone of us? Whatever we do, it is met by despise and foolishness. But they say, God Almighty loves you anyway, even if you are hit and despised. Why then, doesn't he give people like us the same chances as everyone else? The truth is, that everyone is hailing the rules, as they do not have almost any chance, to end up like us the weak and lonely anyway. That is the case. Earlier people like us, we were killed off, and they threw us out of society, as we were seen as different and without the same value. They didn't have the resources to help us, they said. The rules were, that they said, we are treating you in a way that is evil, as that makes it good. We are despising you, and we kill you off, as your upbringing is different. Your network is not as good as the others. Then you do not get, the same chances as the others of us. Your lonely, depressed mother, she did not make it, as she wasn't as good looking and as beautiful, to get a mate as good and as great a stud, to make her happy. You are not worth as much as others, as your mother was an ugly woman on the outside. But why couldn't he have made it, for us too, to get the same chances as the others of you? We almost never make it, and if we do make it, we do not make it, to as good a life as the others of you. When we die, we die despised. When we die, we die a death that both society and others in many ways are promoting, and is saying, that is normal, as you are like you are. The problem is, from the start, that the outcasts of society, almost always is a hated and despised group. You cannot handle it, and everyone, also Father God almighty is stating, this is for the sake of good, this is the best way for things to be. People are rotting in the gutters, as you are stating, this is the best way, for things to be for us humans. The fact is that it has to be two parents around us, and also it is the best way for us all, to have both brothers and sisters around us as we grow up, to make the civilisation strong and healthy. It is made so from the fact, that us humans, we are social beings, that is, we are having a civilisation around us, made from our intelligence and our hands. That is the best way, for us humans on our planet. That is Gods and our fellow humans dome upon us, the weakest of us all, that is the result for us, as the Christian Social Evolution, and the Darwinian system, that is how it is. What shall we do? We cannot do much. Myself too, I cannot do much. I am in many ways, maybe doomed, to forever, almost whatever steps I take, maybe perish, or to be doomed to take harder blows from creation, than the others of you. The fact of the system, it is there as humanity is to condemn us, as we are weak, and as we not can handle it, as society works as it do. That is how good our god is, at least for us. God makes manners and customs to rule the future for the weakest of us. His ways of handling this, makes the weakest of us almost to perish, even almost no one of us, gets a second chance that works. We didn't have an extended family as we grew up, we didn't have cousins and nieces, uncles and others. We maybe didn't have a grandfather and a grandmother around us, and maybe other sides of an extended family, as we grew up. But almost everyone needs that, to become a healthy and strong citizen, and to result in a civilisation around us, that is healthy enough and as resourceful it has to be, to continue to exist. I had a lonely, depressed, maybe also somewhat retarded mother, and she was alone, partly because of that. I did not choose what bed I was to be born in. I was an outcast from the beginning, and everyone is saying, you get that, as you deserved it. Does anyone deserve a thing, that he cannot regulate himself, as in what bed he is born into? Does anyone deserve to die, as a result as of what bed they are born into? But she loved me anyway as much as she only could. I was the sunshine of her life she said. I loved her as much as a small boy child could, and I thought really that she was wonderful. As I saw her, I saw a person, with a great sympathy and warmth towards me, she had a great need for me, and I thought, that she was the best mother I might ever could have had. I loved only her, and I thought that she was the best mother there ever could have been for me, and that was of cause totally normal. She was for me life and wisdom impersonated. There was no one like her anywhere, as for how I felt. That was of cause totally normal for a young boy. But for now, how is it for now? I can almost do nothing more about my fate. Is my fate, to be doomed by God Almighty's Christian Social Evolution, to perish forever, during my life, and after life in death, as to end up, maybe in hell, or even somewhere worse? As my mother was socially and mentally somewhat crippled, and that she didn't have the resources there to bring me up, to become a sturdy and strong, citizen of society, of our human world, on our planet. Is that to be a just and rightful dome for a person like me? Can we really not do more, for people as me? What can we do more, for make persons like me, for us to become strong and healthy citizens, with the result to become a strong and healthy civilisation, as people like us grow up? The fact was that she didn't as I understand it, she did not reach up to my needs, psychologically. When I met problems during my upbringing, I did not have the resources to cope with them, as my weakness and as me being a small, lonely boy during my upbringing, that was what was promoted by her, as that made my mother more important for me. She promoted me as being small and lonely, and sad, as that made her more important for me, and that she could handle. She couldn't help me much with the problems of my life as a kid, even with the fact that she loved me. She could not reach up to the needs I had as a human, and the contact with her, was in many ways a disaster. I didn't get the resources to put limits as for how people were treating me. Other kids looked upon me, as a weak and sad kid, that was hiding under his mother's skirt, as we are putting it in Swedish. As I grew up she was trouble impersonated, when I was trying to become a strong and sturdy adult. She couldn't create boundaries around me, and she couldn't support me, as for me to relate to, to make me know what for me to do, when I got into trouble. Most people like me, with both a father and a mother around us makes it better. They make it, better than the ones like me, if they get into trouble. If they do grow up alone, with a working, lonely mother, maybe also with psychiatric problems in the bag together with them, there is bound to be trouble there in front of them. With not only a lonely mother around us, as we grow up, and not also a father, and as the best way of it all, also other relatives and persons, what is the best solution? If they cannot get a more human and normal upbringing, together with two parents around them, as they grow up, it becomes even better if they also have some brothers or sisters. Humans needs two parents around them as they grow up, two parents that they know, and that they most of the time are the same persons, and maybe as the most important factor of all, also a father, or someone else that they see, someone that cares for them in the role of a father, as they grow up. People do not make it, to a life as good as others, if they do not have two parents around them as they grow up, or with some kind working of extended family and network there, for them to get support from, when they get into trouble. This is not fair, but that is the way it is. That is the religious social evolution, the fact that us humans, we have to have had two parents around us, as we grow up, to get as good a chance as others. We need to have a working network around us, but we do not always have that. But who of you, would like to have children, with a lonely, somewhat retarded, and also maybe a somewhat ugly woman? Creation loves normal, beautiful, positive humans, as for them to become good parents for normal healthy kids. Maybe also I have to say from the way people like us grow up, also horny parents. Creation loves beautiful, tall, strong, positive sexually active humans, with the interest there to build and develop social knowledge. It is the hard truth of creation. Creation is not democratic, but it became what it is, as they say, that we lost the quest for a paradise for us humans. As for how it is, because of the fight between good and evil, we do not have a democratic creation. Creation is not giving everyone the same chances, that is the hard truth. But the truth is also, that humanity has to try to give humans the same chances. The fact is, if you had been born like me, with a depressed, lonely, ugly and negative woman, what would you have done? The fact is, you could not do much. Grab your ass you creep, if you don't, make it. If you not were born in the right bed, the rules are what they are, that is as how hard as it is. There is almost nothing to do about the rules. Hail to you, all you horny happy winners. Hail to you, all of you, you happy lot, with both a beautiful father, and a maybe also, a sexy, beautiful horny mother, two humans bound to each other in love around you their child, as you grow up, then you are a winner. I did not choose what bed I was to be born in. I did however, like my lonely somewhat ugly mother anyway, I did in fact love her. Yes I did love her, and the harsh truth was, that almost the only one I had caring for me daily was her, and some women at the kindergarten. Yes I went to kindergarten, which probably was good for me, but that did not solve everything. In the end, I do not stand as good a chance, as you others. Hail to creation. Hail to you Father God. Hail to you all, you happy lot, you prosperous winning ones. It is you who shall inherit the earth, because you are born the winners of the lottery of creation, as you where born in the right bed. But I also deserve happiness, even if I, by the rules of how it is, maybe not will get it. I think that I would have deserved, to grow up, to be a winner of creation, as well as the others of you. I am as big an idiot to say, I would have deserved it. But for most of us, we almost never get it, and if we get problems, then we are not able to get support enough to continue to function as good as you others, and to get a life as good as we all deserve. Also it maybe was, as many of us still think, it was our Father God almighty, that placed the rules there for us. But that didn't work. All would anyway have worked better if all had been love. If all had been evil, all would die. Evil kills, and good creates, that is the way it is. The rules are there for us, to be brought up against, and still are there to support us, as we grow up, to get both a strong civilisation, with healthy humans in cooperation around each other in their daily lives. Why is this so? The truth is, that good is nourishing and giving birth, and evil kills and destroys, that is the way it is. Creation does function without evil, but without good it would die. Evil kills and good is giving birth, that is the way it is. In Sweden as of today, like in most other modern countries of the world, the threesome of children and parents, children together with both a father and a mother bound to each other in love, is an important factor for the upbringing of normal, healthy children, to become good, trustworthy and stable citizens of the world, in the community in which they live. Sometimes someone is having trouble. From time to time, they try to do something for the person in focus, but that almost never works, as the persons in focus looks upon themselves as being doomed, as they didn't have the same both nourishing and supporting situation around them, as they grew up. If they have felt below the situation meant to be there, for the good of us all, and then I mean the situation, for them from the persons to have around the child or children. Also if they have problems, or is in distress and fear for their lives, as they are living as citizens in their communities, without a real and good place to live in, that they can call their own, their own home, their own family, and their own brothers and sisters, then they do not have the same chances as others. Why is this then, to be such a big and important factor, and why do they then, fall out of the network, that is there to save them, from problems and distress, and to make them to be able to continue to live in society, with both a work, and a place to live in, as they grow up? Why does this not work, for some of our citizens? Why do then, some of our fellow men, and maybe friends in creation, to have to live, in a situation, that most of us, do not even want our pets, to live in? Why then is they then thrown out of society, maybe to become homeless and without a real hope in their lives? Why didn't humanity and evolution, let my poor, lonely, negative mother, to have just as normal a life as you others? That is partly because as of the social rules that is throwing weaker persons out of the networks in society. They are expelled as they are weaker, or with a faulty way of dealing with their social surroundings. That is how it is. What can we then do to make it to work better? Why doesn't we take better care of the weakest of us? Why doesn't we help them, when they are robbed, or when they gets beaten up? For normal persons, the fact is, that if they are robbed, or gets beaten up, that is a fact that makes the society, to put up a great show of help around them, to help them as much as possible. When a small lonely human is getting into trouble, or get robbed, or is beaten up by someone, then society does almost nothing. Why is it like that? That is not normal, but that is the way it is. It is almost without any danger, do rob or to rape a weak, lonely human. There is almost no risk for people to hurt a lonely woman or man outside of the networks for us humans. When a usual happy positive person is getting into trouble, that it is a reason for society, to try to help them. That is almost never the case, for the weakest of us all. If we get into trouble, persons on the outside, we cannot handle it. Then they shall sort it out themselves society says. Then they are left alone with their problems, in spite of that persons like us, are having less possibility to be able to handle it, than the stronger of us, and I then mean you. Why do some of our fellow men, have to live in a situation, that we not even wants our pets to live in? Why do we treat our fellow friends in creation, humans and persons together with us in our so wonderful creation, why do they then, have to be left on the outside, in a situation worse off than we leave our pets in? Why do we treat, our meant to be friends, together with us in our as we say, wonderful creation and in our civilisation, in the way we are? Why do we treat them, our friends together with us in civilization, to have to live worse off, in a situation, than we do not even let our pets to live in? The situation, for the persons in focus, is that they have felt below a situation, in their value as citizens, in their daily lives, they have then became persons, that we judge, and that we state, we who know everything, they do not want a place to live in, and they want to live as they do. They want to take drugs, or whatever it is. We all say, and also as it is, and as god says, man do not understand, what evil we make, we are looking in another direction, as we think it is too horrible to believe. It is too terrible a fate for anyone to get, but we let them be, in that situation anyway. Then we do not try to understand how their situation is, as it is too painful, to see the fate of those persons, into the eye. They do want to have a life, a life as the others of you. Many of us, we say, they choose themselves, do you really believe that they do that? Do you think, that anyone not is worth, to have a place to live in, only because as of that he or she, not is looking upon themselves as someone worth as much as the others of you? As it is, often they are brought up, maybe with only a single mother, and not also together with a father, with him or her, to support them, in their upbringing, to become as strong and as reliable a citizen of wherever they live, together with us others in our creation, and to receive a treatment they deserve. Why do we let this happened? Why do we judge them? Why do we let, the small intolerant nurses and staffs of our establishments, to judge people, and to treat them, so that they as a result of that, are falling outside of the usual social networks, that is important and necessary, for people to have, to make it, as they are living their daily lives? They do not have the networks around them, and they do not trust people around them, to handle the troubles of their life. It is often as easy to understand, as the fact that they for many times do not trust persons around them. When being given a chance, they often say to themselves, this will not work, I will be harassed again, or it will start all over again, and if I live to see the future, I will end up, in the same situation. When they get into be trouble, they do not have, the networks, and other tools around them, to handle their life, that is the hard fact. Then they say to themselves, this is impossible, I can do no more. These people if they are outside of the usual boundaries, many of them, they are robbed almost every day. They are taken aside by others, members of their surroundings, in our cities, there they are treated in ways, that we do not even want our pets to be treated in, or maybe not even our worst enemies, why is this so? Would you like your fellow human, more or less being tortured? Do you want your fellow human, just because that he or she is weak, to end up in a way, that not even ordinary strong people would like? I say and I state, we have to try, to take our treating of the weakest and smallest, in our world, up to a new and higher level, to end up on a more humane and civilised manner, of treating them. We have to take our world, up to a higher level of civilisation. We have to make our society, to function on a more civilized level, and for them the outcasts, to trust their chances, and us others around them. We have to leave some of the old ways of functions in our world, and to take it up, to a higher level of civilization. We have to leave our old ways of treating our fellow weaker humans, so that we treat them in a way, so that we and our society as a result, ends up on a higher level of civilization. We all need that, and most of all, our world need that. We all have to try to make humans and others too, to trust creation. I say, and we all know that, we all deserve that. We can reach a goal like that. We have to leave our old ways and systems, for us to treat the weakest of us in our world in, so that they are treated, as they deserve. They deserve as humans all that we others get, and they do deserve to get as much good, and as much as our pets gets, or do they not? Do you not think, that the weakest of us in our society, humans as us others, they are surely worth as much as your cat, or are they not? Do you want your dog or cat, to have to live in the outside, in parks and tunnels, in subways and other places, to live from leftovers and waste? Do you want your cat, to live like that, or your dog? But then you might say, you my fellow human, you have to live like that, as because as of what? When seeing someone suffer, we look another way as we are ashamed, and as we say to ourselves, this doesn't concern us. Do you want your fellow humans, to be robbed every day? Do you say, that he or she can choose for himself, why does it then become like that? The reason is in many cases, that we not are able to communicate with them, as we can with other people. They do not always understand what we say to them, as a result of the way things are working. We do not understand, why they not are making it. We do not always understand what they say to us. We are not able to communicate with them, in a way we can with others, and often it is very hard for us, to understand, that the fact is, we are not able to communicate with them, as they have grown up alone with their mother, or that communication and other tools for us to survive, doesn't work as it should for them. Then they get to be left outside of the usual borders, out of what we state as being normal. In many cases, they have had problems, all the time, all the time from their earliest years. They have had problems, all the time, all the time from as long back, as from them being very small infants. And if they did not have, both a mother and a father together with them during their upbringing, then they are really to have problems in their future lives. Then they begin to feel different. Then they are left outside of the "gangs", and the ones that are friends and normal, they are too to different to belong people says, they are not as us. They are expelled from the normal togetherness that most people have. Then they are thrown out of society, and they are put on the outside of the boundaries and networks we all need to survive, and not only them. We all need that, not only them. If they are lonely and different, then we are treating them worse than we treat our pets. Why doesn't we all think twice about all of that? As long as I had a work, and I was meeting usual normal people, in my daily life, I made it better than I do now. But they said I had problems, and they said, that I couldn't cooperate with the bosses and other persons around me at the company, in which I had a work. I do not as of today, always look upon myself as a person being totally able to have a usual work, as others, and to make it as a normal person in society. That is the doom from my upbringing, up to me to become an adult, and it is hard. It is a heavy burden to almost always have been left on the outside of the togetherness and the networks, and to not have been able to be together with the rest of man, as a normal human and citizen of society. Another thing was that the bosses said to me, that my hands shook, and that I wasn't able to take care of my work as good as the others, as it was a precisions work. They said that my hands shook too much, so that I wasn't able to make it as good as most others. The fact was, that my hands shook, partly because as of their harassments towards me, and as a result of me having a fear for them and the others, and partly because of the medication that the doctors and most others of the hospital staff said I had to take. /To be continued

Text 2007-11-11, The Christian Evolution 2 Det kan synas, detta är, tunga ord av saknad, efter kärlek, efter ett liv, lika mycket värt, som ert. Gud förlorade kampen, om Adams själ. Därför blev det så, att familjen blev, det heliga, för människan. Men djuren, där ingen vet, vem som är deras pappa? De är godkända, från första klöven, till det sista ylandet. Det är inte alla, av dem heller, som får vara med, men de får dö. De fascister, som springer här, och försöker hjärntvätta mig, med sina för tidigt födda kroppar, rakade likt Gestapofångar, eller koncentrationslägersfångar, varför kan de inte ta bort dem? Det är jag inte värd. Förr, innan sparkalven psykiatrin, så var det så, att man nästan hade rätt, till ett liv, utan att behöva ligga ute, eller att slås ut, om det bara gick. Det är inte så längre. Eftersom ni rika, starka, anses behöva skattesänkningar, och eftersom vi är svaga, och inte anses kunna säga ifrån, blir det så fel. Kommer jag att hamna på gatan? Jag har inte rätten, att ha ett riktigt liv, det blir för dyrt. Jag är inte värd, det ni kallar åtgärder. Ni tvingar mig, att skriva sådant här, som jag helst velat slippa, för att försvara, min lilla gnutta frihet, min sista gnutta hopp, som jag ändå har kvar. Det går inte annars. Jag orkar inte ta hand, om några psykfall. Jag klarar inte av, att ha en flickvän, så att jag får en familj, och då lite lugn och ro. Jag är inte heller homosexuell. Jag är en ganska vanlig psyksjuk medelålders man, med eget boende, förutom mitt skrivande. Jag har en egen lägenhet, ännu. Men jag kan inte hjälpa någon. Det struntar ni i. Varje vinter, fryser ett antal av oss ihjäl. Vi har då, söndertrasade kontaktnät, vi är både psykiskt sjuka, och utbrända. Vi skickas ut till ett liv, som ni inte ens unnar era hundar och katter. Era katter och hundar, kliar ni under hakan. De kommer in i värmen. Att en hund, skulle behöva, sova ute, det anser ni vara djurplågeri. Ni låser kanske, snabbt in den människa som ställt till detta, att er hund hamnat på gatan. Den som orsakar, att en svag människa, hamnar på gatan, kan snabbt, i många fall, straffa sig ut, så att han får den vård, han alltid behövt. Barnen till de svagaste medlemmarna, av vårt samhälle, de får sova ute, när de blir vuxna. De är inte mycket till hopp. Sedan de åkt ut, dras de raskt, i de flesta fall, in i missbruk och annat, om de inte redan är där. De får slå sig fram, för att kunna klara sig. Bara de starkaste, av dem, kommer att överleva. Skulle ni vilja, behöva sova ute, en enda natt, mitt i vintern, bara i de kläder ni går och står i? Ni tänker inte mycket om detta. Ni säger, det är deras eget fel. Det är svaga människor det är frågan om. Men det är ju människor. Men det blir så nu, en svag människa, är värd mindre, än era egna hundar. Ni säger, att han eller hon, vill inte ha ett eget liv, med lägenhet och allt. Han är för svag, eller har en romantiserad syn, på hur det är, att bo ute. Det fixas fram Frälsis, och andra ställen, där det kan fås mat. Det ordnas med försök till åtgärder, för att de skall klara sig. Jag kan inget göra själv. Jag håller själv nu, på att gå ned, inför ett 50 års firande, där redan två, av det fåtal gäster jag bjudit in, sagt att de nog inte kommer. Det vore inget problem för er. Ni behöver inte brottas med de svaghetssymptom, som gör att ni inte fattar vad som händer omkring er. Ni får inte sådan ångest, att ni inte vet vad ni skall göra. Jag har gjort två, eller tre riktigt ordentliga självmordsförsök, det var några år sedan det senaste nu, det är ett under, att jag inte ligger som ett paket på långvården, eller är död. Det är inte ett bra alternativ. Ringer man till vården, de är ofta, mycket ovänliga. Där arbetar en samling människor, de skriker åt en, när man ringer upp. Inte frågar de, vad känner du, eller försöker hjälpa dig. Det är inte de starkaste som jobbar där, som det borde vara, det är, ofta människor, som bemöter dig ovänligt. Detta anses vara nödvändigt, för att sätta gränser. När en vän inte längre umgås med mig, för att jag ringer till denne istället, och jag då förlorar en kontakt, för att jag varit ovänlig, då anses detta vara mitt eget fel. Vad skulle ni göra, om detta var era egna barn? Vad skall jag säga? Det är den kristna evolutionismen, som styr. Han svarar på samhällets och människors problem, med att inte orka fixa de familjeband, som styr vår utveckling. Det är inte era egna barn. De hade en far och en mor, när de växte upp. De behöver inte undra, varför den ena eller andra föräldern, är ensam vårdnadshavare. Problem följer på problem. Det har blivit, ett svagt, annorlunda barn, som inte grejar, ett riktigt kontaktnät. Han är dömd, på förhand, i våra stora städer. Det anses, att ett barns privatliv med sin mor, är så heligt, att man inte kan stövla på in, ens om det är nödvändigt. Vad kan man säga? Gud är god, men det är som det är. Det duger inte, för en rädd liten pojke, eller flicka, som inte orkar. Han får ett liv, som ni inte bryr er om, för det är helig konkurrens och utslagningen är av naturen. Det är inte era egna barn. I de fall jag sett, är det de, som har både en far, och en mor, eller som växt upp, med en synlig fadersfigur, och en synlig modersfigur, som fått det bäst. Det har alltid varit så här. Bara för ett par hundra år sedan, så ansågs det, som helt omöjligt, att försöka ändra på sådant. De fick gå som det gick. Det var ändå hopplöst. Men det fanns fattigstugor då. Det finns inte något liknande detta idag. Idag är det containrar och vindar som gäller. Om de inte, kan skrämma någon, så att de får bo där. Det kan verka bättre att inget göra. Era hundar och katter, får sitta inne. Det är så. Jag har själv gjort så, mot människor jag älskar. Ibland orkar man inte. Jag hoppas, och tror, att denne ändå, får det bra. Men de övriga, är friska och starka. Jag är bara en hopplös dåre. Jag sitter här. Jag skall, tror de fira en häftig femtioårsfest. Jag var tydligen inte värd ens detta. Vad skall ni säga till era kusinbarn, när de förstår, att någon inte orkat? Jag försökte, kanske någon säger. En annan säger, han har aldrig ringt mig. Vi är inte folk, som ringer och terroriserar andra, men det händer väl. Det är så, att vi inte, kan säga ifrån. Varför får vi inte ha det bra? För att vi är för svaga? Det är styrka som gäller, inte känslighet, och vänlighet. Är man för svag, för att kunna ta för sig? Det är inte era barn. Det är som det alltid varit. Människan är kristen mest för att familjen finns. Vore det inte för den, då vore det nog något annat. Men det behövs, för att försvara familjen. Tänk er själva, på vad era barn skulle säga, om de var tvungna att växa upp, med bara en mor, eller ändå värre, med bara en far? Själv har jag, en utvecklingsstörd halvsyster. Jag kan bara drömma om, vilka behov hon kan ha. Alla är värda lika mycket. Varför har hon det, som hon har det? SLUT.

Text 2007-12-03, Jag minns dig, du Skåneland Jag minns dig, du Skåneland. Idag är jag 50 år, halvgammal kan man ju kalla sig, men jag minns dig du Skåneland. Det var sextiotal, det var till och med vänstertrafik. Jag minns vad vi gjorde dessa underbara somrar. DE hade väl knappt ens en TV. Men vad gjorde det? Vad vi gjorde istället? Vi var som grabbar är mest. Men nog var det härligt. Men varför, är jag så rädd idag? Men här står jag. Jag minns mitt liv, de somrar, som var så underbara. Jag minns Åhus stränder. Jag minns en omtänksam familj, jag minns min farmor. Idag bor jag i stora stan Stockholm. Jag är en man, som nog inte, riktigt är som er. Men Skåne, det var underbart. Jag minns Gösta. Jag minns Greta. Jag minns Bo, och jag minns Bengt. Hur är mitt liv idag? Var är, den man, som ändå, var accepterad? Men Åhus vatten var kallt. När det var östliga vindar, var det lite mer varmt. Jag minns dig Skåneland, ja sannerligen minns jag dig Skåneland. Vi fiskade, vi badade, vi spelade kort. Hur mitt liv hade varit idag, utan er? Jag vet inte, men det är som det brukar. Jag är nog inte riktigt som er. Men ändå, får man vara svag? Svaret är lika självklart, som allt annat, man får vara svag, men det är farligt, för man orkar inte lika mycket som andra. Det fattar inte folk, men inte tror jag mannen i gemen, är en som alltid, konsekvent säger; -Du kan dra, för du är inte som mig. Men det är ju så. Man är som man är, så gott det går. Men att vara svag, det är farligt. Vad kan man då annars säga? Jag vet inte, vem jag är. Jag vet inte, vilka ni är. Jag är rädd, men det är som det är, ändå är jag rädd. Varför skall en svag man vara rädd? Jag vet inte, men det är ju, som det är. Jag vet inte, vad jag mer skall säga. Men jag minns dig Skåneland. Jag minns människor. Jag minns en stad, som var lite mindre. Jag minns många saker. Jag minns abborrar, fiskade i en mycket smutsig Helge Å. Jag minns badhuset, jag minns Tivoli. Jag minns mycket. Spåren som vi passerade, när vi åkte med bussen till Åhus. Vad är det här för liv, det jag har idag, utan er? Det är inte mycket till liv. Men än lever jag, en dag till. Någon gång, kanske jag får sälja en till tavla. Någon gång, kanske jag, får känna, jag Robert är någonting. Vad är jag då? Ja vad är jag då? Svaret är, jag är den jag är. Jag är den jag är, men visst, det kan bli bättre. Javisst kan det bli bättre. Men ändå, när man sitter här, man mår dåligt, man undrar, vad gör jag här? Då tänker jag, så gott det går. Jag minns dig Skåneland, jag minns dig så väl, du mitt välsignade Skåneland. Idag är jag 50 år gammal, men jag minns dig Skåneland. Jag minns Åhus stränder. Jag minns en omtänksam familj, jag minns min farmor. Idag bor jag i stora stan Stockholm. Jag är en man, som nog inte, riktigt är som er. Men Skåne, det var underbart. Jag minns Gösta. Jag minns Greta. Jag minns Bo, jag minns Bengt. Ja jag minns dig så väl, du mitt välsignade Skåneland. Slut

Text 2007-12-26, Is that life? What is life? Someone is lonely, you have met a new girlfriend. He feels, he do not dare, to get, what he wants, you win against opponents. He thinks, that he is a lonely shit, you think, that you are worth something. He gets a boot kicked into his stomage, you are having good sex with someone you like. What is life? Yes, what is life? I say, it is romanticised, the lonely life, of people on the outside, people that do not belong. You say, they can if they want. You say, why do you not just, do what you ought to, to stop being what you are? She says, she almost does not dare, even to be a neighbour. What is life, yes, what is life? Is that what is right? It is a hard, romanticised hell, for the small, weak man. Is that development? Someone says, I am the best, I get, what I want. Someone says, that girl, I want her, I take what I want, he does that, and everything turns out just fine. I remember, one day when I was a child, my mother stands in the doorway into our appartement in Vällingby, shouting, raging, what do you do here? You should not have come here! Like a tiger, or a mad monkey, she stands there shouting and raging in the doorway, I do almost not even reach her, to her waist. I am waiting for the hit, but it doesn't come. What is life, is that justice, is that even, is that what I deserve? What is life? Yes, what is life? Is that what is right, is that justice? A girl long ago, I was just a child, and she was too. We are leaving school for that day. I say, I am living somewhere else, than I use to, do we have the same way home? My mother is away, for the moment, she have said that she is sick I say. I remember it was like that. I believe that was the way it was. We walk all the way, up to her front door, and she leaves and walks up, to her parents. That is also life. Some time later, I come to school. A guy, some ten years older than me, hits me deep into my stomage with his fist. He must be, he must be all grown up. He, that guy, was he my father, or who was it? I could not do much. I could not do anything, they where all almost grown up, some nine-ten years older than me. There were three or four of them, and they were just having some fun, with a weaker child. That is just, how life can be. That is just, how life can be. What is life, yes what is life? Is that what is right? Is that development? What is life? Someone is lonely, you have met a new girlfriend. He feels, he do not dare, you win against opponents. He thinks, he is a lonely shit, you think, that you are worth something. He gets a boot kicked into his stomage, you have good sex, with someone you like. What is life? Yes, what is life? It is romanticised they say, they are glorified, the lonely men, that not are worth as much as you. What is life, yes, what is life? Is that justice? Do you really call that, a just and fair way, for things to be? A man, he is lying paralysed in a bed. He has a tube inserted into his mouth, for him to be able to breath. He lies there in the bed, the rats are running in and out, they eat of his flesh, and they cannot do much. What is life? Yes what is life? Is that justice? Do you think, that Father God loves everyone, just as much as another? I am a tiny man, small, weak and lonely, you are big, sturdy, tall, strong and popular. You get what you want. I almost always loose. I do not get what I want. You take what you want. I cannot do much. I hate my life, you like yours. What can a small, weak man do? I do not like my life. What can I do? You despise me, as you know, you have all the respect in the world. You all are worth, all good things in life. I sometimes think, about something called justice. I sometimes think about, that it should be, to everyone, what they kneed and deserve. I think, that my life sometimes is good. Sometimes the wolves of my neighbourhood leave me alone. Sometimes I get, a good nights sleep. What do I deserve, what do I kneed, what is life? What can I do, to get a good life? I do not know. What is life, yes what is life? Is that justice? We all know, that is the way it is. They say, God love you. That might be the way it is. I hope, I pray, that is the way it is. All decent men on earth, we all, hope and pray, that is the way it is. People ask, why do man kneed, to believe in something? Why do men, kneed, to wonder about what others, and them themselves believe in? Why do men kneed, political movements? Why do men kneed religious believes? Why do men want to make themselves the like of gods? What is life? Yes, what is life? People think with rage, why doesn't he just take what he wants, as me? Why does some people get what they want, and others not? I do not like all of it, I do not like, not to be as looked upon, as someone worth as much as others, as others that are respected. But that is the way it is. The fact is I think and believe, that every human, is looked upon, as a single, unique creation. To all people on earth, what they kneed and deserve. To all men on earth, as plead for decency, a bed to sleep in at night, something to eat every day, and someone to love. As we look upon others, as they look upon us, we all know, that our life, is what it is, we all are unique, we all are what we are. The religious men and women, they all say, god love us, he looks upon us, as the children of his own creation. We all are the children of god, they say. Why isn't then, all in life, good for us? Why is our lives not, just wonderful, for all of us? Why isn't all of our lives, as good as others, even if we does, what we should? We sometimes try to love the humans, and others as much as we believe they kneed. Other times we make war, as we say, that is what ends something that we say is evil somewhere. We do then, to our fellow men, what we think they deserve. We try to do, what we say, that the most of us kneed, we try to do what we say is right. We are saying, that is right, because most of us kneed that, or we say, that they do. They do not have to say, we kneed that, as the stronger men, are speaking on their behalf, we say, they kneed that. Is that what is right? Does that help true development? Then it is right, if man needs it.

Are we condemned? What do you say, about the people, the small, afraid, innocent humans, that doesn't belong, the ones that you are saying, they do not want to belong? What is your scapegoat, why doesn't they belong, why doesn't you help them? Why doesn't we help them, we their fellow humans? Do you think, that you are worth that much more than them? I say, your lifes are going on automatic, all just works. Do you not understand, that just as easy as it is, for you to have your life working, just as hard is it for me, to get my life to work. I do try, yes I do try all the time, but you do not understand. The problem is, that the facts that rule out why me and others like me are condemned by you, and that you and others are judging out me. Me myself and others like me, are in many ways condemned, and that we are living outside from the networks that normal people have. The problems are that you, and others like you, you do not understand, that the suicidal precipise that is my doome, and that me myself and others like me, we are judged by you. We are worth it anyway, and that nowadays in our modern times, we do have more resourses to help the weakest among us, and we should try to help them, but we do not always do that. The rule of suicidal precipise are the fact that are ruling our own and the others doom that we are putting upon fellow men in our society, in these modern times, just as in older ages. I am afraid, and I am trying to change my life, but I can not do much more than I do. I would like to sleep, to die and not to go on living, and not to go on to suffer forever. Why do you not let me sleep? I am trying to change things, but it doesn't help. When you say to me, you should not be in this and that way, why do you condemn me? I have not chosen, to live my life the way I do. What shall I do? I am trying all the time, but I can not change things. What can I do more? I know that you despice me, but I can not do much more than I do. I do not want to be bitter, but I can do no more. Why do you not let me, be able to control my life? Am I not worth that? I ask you, am I not worth that? Your lifes are going on automatic, but I have to fight all the time. When you want to change anything, you just do that. When I am trying to change things, you are laughing sarcastically, and you often say, you are a weak, small idiot, you do not deserve a good life. Why do you reason like that? Doesn't everyone deserve to belong? I say, you all are worth to belong, why do you not let me and others like me belong? No one like me. No one loves me. They say God love me. I am fighting all the time, I can not do much more. When I ask you, why do you not respect me? Why do you say, you are not worth it? You are saying to me, all my efforts are not worth it. Why do you not give me the love I want, and that we all deserve? Why do you not let me be loved? You say you are worth it. You say, all of us are worth to be loved. But I do not feel that someone loves me. But you say, God allmighty love you. What can I do more? I am praying, I am trying, I have my site. Why do you not let me belong? I can not do much more. When I try to change my life, you say, you are to weak, you are to sensitive. I can not do much more. Why do you let me suffer? All are worth it. When you see the faces of people suffering, the grines and the look in their faces, the same faces, as faces from people in consentration camps and jails. Why do you not let me get a life as good as you others? I am afraid, and I can not do much more. When you say, you are not as strong, as us others, and because of that, as you say to me, you are not so strong, so that you are not able to live a life as good as us others. You say, you are to weak Robert. I can not do much more. I am afraid, and I am not able to be that strong, so that I am able to change my life. You say, you are to sensitive. You say, no one hates you. You say, I do understand, you say we do not condemn you. What can I do more? You say, you can not take life and it't consequenses, as you are as sensitive as you are. You are worth it, but you can not get it, as of that. END